I grew up in the church for the most part. My first memories of church were attending the Baptist church that my granddad pastored in Great Falls, Montana, where I was born and raised. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 4 and I got baptized by my dad when I was 8 in an ice cold river up in the mountains. I knew Jesus lived in my heart because I could hear the animals in my stomach. It was explained to me that when the animals die, they go to heaven and if Jesus lives in my heart, then heaven must be in my heart as well. In turn, the animals lived in my heart and every time my stomach growled then it was the pigs and cows. The simplicity of a child’s mind is amazing.
My granddad and yia yia (which is Greek for grandma) ended up moving to Washington where my granddad went to pastor another church, as a result, my parents found a new church called Faith Center Foursquare Church. We attended this church until I was about 10 years old when my parents were relocated for their job (that they both worked at). We moved to Bozeman Montana. Years after we moved, I would hear stories told of Faith Center. I later learned that there were some situations that happened that changed my parent’s view of the church.
I don’t have a lot of memories as to what was going on since I was young but they have told me some of their issues with the church. At one point, they tried to start a bible study and the pastor did not agree with them doing so and a couple other times, they tried to kick my dad out of the church. So from their experience, I developed my own opinion and biases of the church that had lasted until just recently. And one view point that I had was you didn’t need to go to church in order to be a Christian. I didn’t see much need for the church and just thought they were a bunch of hypocrites and self-righteous people. I was upset how the church had treated my parents and how they were hurt by this. I didn’t need to be hurt by them either. I would learn my lesson from their lessons learned. I didn’t think I had to read the bible because I had a relationship with God in my everyday life. I would pray and talk to him and that was enough.
When we moved to Bozeman, we found a church that we attended for a short time and then we no longer went to church. It really didn’t make a difference to me, as I was about 11-12 years old then. My relationship with God was based almost solely through my parents. I didn’t know how to have a relationship with God on my own. This in turn resulted in church making no difference to me as to whether or not we went.
When I was in high school, some friends and I would go to a bible study before school would start. I attended for a year or so. I was classified as the “good girl” in high school. I didn’t drink, smoke, or have sex. But the last week or so of high school, I gave into the temptation and peer pressure. I decided to try a beer. Once I was a little drunk, my guard was down and my introduction to smoking began. It started a chain reaction and I started doing it every weekend. I told myself and believe that it was just something I did while I partied. I could stop at anytime, as least that is what I told myself. On one of these nights out with the gang, I met this guy and we started dating shortly after meeting. We dated for about 8 months and I again let my guard down and gave into peer pressure and gave up my purity. My parents had talked to me about this, I knew I should wait until marriage and at the time, I believe I understood them but looking back, I had no idea what the ramifications truly were. We dated for almost 2 years, off and on. I ended up breaking it off with him because I was moving to NC after my parents had already moved at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. They didn’t like my boyfriend and I always felt the pressure to choose him or my parents. He would always say “Who are you going to marry some day, your parents or me?” I felt like he had one arm and my parents had another. Well, when I ended it with him he got suicidal and at one point pulled me down the stairs of his apartment. I could then see that this relationship was not going anywhere and if I stayed, there could easily be abuse involved.
I ended up moving to NC shortly followed by moving back to MT after 6 months because I could not transfer my credits from Montana State University to a college in NC without losing a lot of my credits. So, back I went to MT to finish my degree. Things only got worse. I was drinking heavily, I was doing drugs, and I was raped and eventually was getting treated for depression. I was put on antidepressants and ended up trying to take my life. I called my sister to say goodbye and she ended up saving my life. The night I tried to commit suicide, I thought I would just end my life and go to Heaven to be with God. I would end all my suffering. I now realize, that was not the case or would have been the case. While I was on the phone with my sister, she called my parents in NC who in turn called an ambulance in Bozeman that showed up at the door while I was on the phone. I was taken to the hospital and had my stomach pumped. My parents quickly realized I was in trouble and flew out to MT. They strongly suggested that I move back to NC to live with them. I moved back and ended up isolating myself in my room immersed in the internet and chatrooms. I met some people in the chatrooms and my bad behavior continued. I am very lucky that the worse thing that resulted was being stalked by phone for about a year.
In 1999, a friend of mine named Michelle that I used to work with when I came to NC invited me to her church. They were having a Valentines Day retreat. I was so moved during the retreat that I said the sinner’s prayer. God really grabbed my hand and I began my road to healing. I wanted to become a better person. I didn’t want to drink or be promiscuous anymore. I wanted to be happy. God showed me that happiness is not found in material things. I began growing in Christ. On Memorial Day of that year, I was talking in a Christian chatroom, I met my future husband. We started talking at the end of May. I had heard on a Christian radio station that June was a month of fasting. Since I had locked myself in my room and was on the internet for hours on end, I figured that this was a great thing to give up for a month. I did read emails though and Jason and I communicated through email for the month of June. Once my fast was over, Jason and I started talking on the phone. We worked ourselves up to 2 hours of nightly conversation every night. We arranged for a meeting. He was going to fly from Boston to Raleigh in the middle of August. I had just started renting a single bedroom apartment and I didn’t think it was right for us to stay in the same apartment on his visit. So, I made arrangement for myself to sleep at a friend’s house. Jason stayed for 4 days and then flew back to Boston. We resumed our phone conversations and after being home for 4 days, he needed to ask me something. He asked me to marry him and I lost my breath. What made this proposal so amazing was that morning, I had been praying to God. I was really trying to be cautious about Jason and my relationship. I didn’t want to fall for him but I was feeling it was too late. I asked God to give me guidance as to whether Jason was my future spouse or if I should just not pursue this relationship anymore. I didn’t want to get hurt and again, I knew I was falling in love with him. I didn’t want to ask God for a sign but I knew I needed something obvious and in my face so that I could really understand God’s will for my life. I just threw out the idea that maybe Jason could ask me to marry him that night and that could be my sign. I quickly withdrew that idea because I found it to be so outrageous and I didn’t want to test God. Now fast-forward again to that evening. Now you can understand why my breath was taken away considering what I prayed earlier in the morning. I accepted his proposal and we quickly started making plans. We decided on November 6, 1999 as our wedding day. Jason made another return trip in October to bring me my engagement ring. We worked more on our wedding plans and then November arrived before we knew it. We married in Boston on November 6th, after only physically seeing each other 9 days. Our honeymoon consisted of a U-haul and a 1500 mile drive. . We have now been married for 7 1/2 years and have two beautiful children.
Jason and I never really got plugged into a church because I had started going to Christ Covenant after saying my sinner’s prayer and Jason had a church in Boston. We didn’t find a church that we loved together. In actuality, we didn’t really try. We just didn’t go to church anymore. And my mentality was still that I didn’t NEED to go to church in order to be saved. My biases kicked in and I would just let people see me live my life. I thought lifestyle evangelism was all I needed. I would let people ask what the hope that lied within me was.
Then toward the end of 2006, Jason found this radio show called Way of the Master Radio. We started listening to their daily two hour show. It is about repentance and faith and how to witness and share your faith using the ten commandments. It has changed our lives drastically. I had always heard the term “backslider” and that is what I would have classified myself as. I now believe that I was never really saved to begin with and I was a false convert. 1 John 3:8 says, “The one who practices sin is of the devil”. I was very complacent and I didn’t struggle with my sin as I should have. I thought it was good enough to be a good person. I wanted to follow God but didn’t want my life to have to change too much. In other words, have my cake and eat it too. As it says in 1 John 2:19 “They went out from us, but they were not really of us; for if they had been of us, they would have remained with us; but they went out, so that it would be shown that they all are not of us”. I was just a seed planted in the rocky soil. I believed that I asked for forgiveness in 1999 and I just wanted to get out of the deep rut I was in. I started to grow but my roots didn’t go very deep. I don’t think I truly understand what a horrible and wretched person I am. Way of the Master really opened my eyes as to how we all fall short of the glory of God and there is none who does good, there is not even one as stated in Romans 3:12. Only God is good and his mercy endures. He is loving and forgiving and I don’t deserve this. I have broken all of his laws, numerous times. I am only saved by his grace and there is nothing that I can do to get to heaven. Yet my actions and works are a reflection of God’s grace and I do them because I love the Lord so much and want to be obedient to His word.
Before I didn’t think I needed to read my bible but now I have a desire to read it each and every day. God has begun instilling compassion in me that I didn’t have before. I want to share my faith with others so that they may understand the significance of their sin and understand true repentance and eternal life. Understanding that it is not a matter of saying a “sinner’s prayer” and really “meaning” it. It is so much more. You have to be broken over your sins.
I grew up knowing right from wrong. I always believed in God and knew that Jesus died on the cross for me. I believed I was a good person but always questioned whether I would absolutely go to heaven or not. There was always a little bit of doubt. But I now have assurance that I will spend eternity with God. It was not the sinner’s prayer that I said on many occasions too numerous to count. As Paul says in Romans 7:7 ” What shall we say then? Is the Law sin? May it never be! On the contrary, I would not have come to know sin except through the Law; for I would not have known about coveting if the Law had not said, ” You shall not covet.”
Since my true conversion, I have struggled more than I ever have. These last few months have been the hardest that I have faced. I find that lying and stealing are not as hard for me but it is the heart and thought life. Matthew 5:28 says “but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” That pertains to a male or female. Or Matthew 5:21-22 says “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’ “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell. Basically if you have hated someone, the Bible says that you are a murderer at heart. God looks at our heart. He knows us inside and out. He created us and we can not hide from Him. It is a constant struggle with the sins of my thought life. I know God is refining, molding and purifying me. I am so blessed to be His child and I now trust Him with my life.
I have felt it heavy on my heart to get baptized for many years. I thought I needed to after I “rededicated” my life back in 1999. I now see that this was all part of God’s bigger plan since I was never really saved before. I always thought my baptism when I was 9 was good enough. Since Way of the Master, I now feel that it is the right time and the appropriate time. I am truly saved and I am very thankful that I didn’t get baptized before. This whole process of baptism has been rather difficult and I have felt that we have been under attack from Satan. First, we were trying to find a time and place and Jason was going to baptize me. I was feeling an urgency. Do we use the neighbors pool? Do we go to the river? Do we wait until we are plugged into a church? We finally decided that Jason would baptize me in the river on Sunday August 20, 2007. We were able to go to church on that Sunday because Jason didn’t have to work the previous Saturday. He has been working to many Saturdays. We arrive at church and Pastor Scott Lehr tells us that their will be a baptism next Sunday. I really felt that God was confirming that we should do it in a public setting vs privately between Jason and I. I was not against others seeing it but in our current situation, that didn’t seem to work out. I was really battling my conscience and I kept pushing it down. I have come to the realization it needs to be a public declaration. So we are at church and there is a baptism next Sunday. I relented and let God work it out. All my worries and feelings were immediately lifted and I was absolutely certain and comfortable with God’s plan. For the first time in years, I finally felt peace about the situation. We then faced a couple more stumbling blocks. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jason decided that he wanted to get baptized also. I guess God was pressing on his heart as well. So we had to meet with the Pastor or Asst Pastor. They wanted to make sure we were on the same page as far as baptism. We had to listen to a sermon on it as well. They were making sure that we understand that we didn’t have to be baptized in order to be saved. We totally agree. So after we met with Jason Tovey, we had to get up with Dave Cook so that he could video tape our testimonies. It was a little difficult working this out because Jason works nights and Dave works days. We arranged for Saturday, the day before the baptism. We felt the testimonies went very well. Now we arrive to Sunday, August 27th. We were ready and as we were in the hallway before church, Jason and Dave walk up and tell us that our testimonies didn’t tape. It was all garbled. We are fine with that and are told we will just have to give a live testimony. Again, I feel that Satan was trying to stop this from happening but we had the power of God on our side. We gave our live testimonies and Jason Tovey baptized Jason. Then turned to my husband and had Jason baptize me. It was very symbolic and very special. My husband got to baptize me. It was truly a very special day. We are so blessed to have a Savior who died for our sins. This evening, Jason and I were talking and he pointed out that if our tapes were not ruined, then maybe important parts of our testimony may have been cut out. God, almighty used this situation that appeared rocky for His glory. How awesome is our God.
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